This summer has been a quick and crazy ride. I had some guilt that I hadn’t picked up my big nikon since June. I used to be really great at packing it everywhere and snapping photos like a paparazzi. But I had other things on my mind, and instead of packing my camera I was packing either my research, laptop, homework, or all three with me where ever we went. I took photos with my iphone and captured all the moments I could.
And I reminded myself of a saying LK Ludwig had on her blog and the title of a class: “the camera in hand” is better than nothing. So some of my pictures are grainy or less than perfect. It’s going to be okay. I know it will right?
Mama guilt is rough. I had it when I started grad school and when I started back to teaching last fall.
It’s hard to be everything to everyone and do it all and do it well. I know some who can juggle everything and look fabulous doing it.
Me, I’m so far from perfect I can’t even see what it looks like.
I’ve been trying to eat healthier and be a good role model for my kids, what I’ve done since starting graduate school is gain 39 lbs. (I really didn’t need to be gaining any more weight as it was.) But it’s happened and I’m trying to work on that in my “spare” time. The problem is that this needs to be something that’s a part of my life and I need to look at it as more than just “extra”. Because this weight gain at 37 really feels like it’s slowed me down which is a first. I’ve been heavy a while but I’ve been able to still be active and do what I wanted. Now, I feel f-a-t and i’m trying really hard not to use that word in front of my kids.
I watched a friend go through breast cancer this year and endure horrible chemo treatments this summer. She is a young, healthy mama to three boys. Really one of those full of life people. And this treatment really knocked her back. She’s done with her chemo now, her hair is growing, and her health is getting strong.
And I think, what would I do if something happened to me if I couldn’t be there for my kids? What if my health went? And honestly with as much as I weigh that is a real problem that I’ve ignored for too long. I’ve been lucky so far, but is it really fair to me or my family to play roulette with my health? To gamble that I’m not going to get hurt or have health problems?
Time to take the blinders off and really see what needs to be done.
And yet, why is this so hard? I’ve completed my thesis which I thought was impossible. I’ve met several challenges in my life and I’ve been able to conquer them against the odds.
But food, is so much more than fuel. It’s love, it’s celebration, comfort, a crutch.
So, I’m laying this out here in blog land. I will stop being mean to myself for gaining weight when I know better.
I’m making my health as big as priority as everything else. I’m working on that revolutionary diet called eat less, move more. Tracking what I eat, making better choices, walking every day no matter what.
It’s not a huge step, but it’s a step towards a healthier me.
wish me luck, this could get rough…..