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Archive for March, 2010

Right now:
Juggling my full time job of being a wife and mother with my other responsibilities.
-teaching preschool a couple of days a week
-substitute teaching a couple of days a week
-trying not to forget to enjoy these two precious little people every day

-grad student who’s getting back into the habit of studying

-a bookkeeper and water operator
-trying to lose weight while not injuring my foot any more that I’m
-doing physical therapy to fix foot pain
-wanna be artist
-struggling to accept that I can’t do hardly anything crafty
-needing some time to myself

-feeling too guilty to ask for time to myself because of the above
-trying to keep this family floating down the river of life
-so very thankful for this man

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I have a hard time saying no. A hard time not taking on new projects-even the fun ones. I am really great at taking on way more than is humanly possible to accomplish, expecting myself to do it all, and being terribly hard on myself when I invariably fail. And I do fail. Maybe not in a complete mental break down sort of way, more like everything is done hummmm “half-assed”.

There I said it. I manage to screw up quite a few things in my daily life and then I feel like the world’s biggest failure. Which is stupid to feel when I set myself up to FAIL. And as I write this I have this stray thought that
maybe I set myself up to fail intentionally. Maybe my subconscious is thinking “you really are a loser, why should you succeed at anything, why even try?” To which I tell my self, stop that right now, that’s crazy. And then my self tells me that having this sort of conversation is crazy.

But really, what if I am afraid to succeed, what if I feel like I have some thought deep-down that I’m really not worthy? (I should add that succeed can be applied to things like taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, the husband, my part time jobs, trying to keep a small business going etc.) And meanwhile I’m a stay at home mommy to 4 year olds. Two sweet little kiddies who can only be occupied by themselves for a certain amount of time before they do something naughty. And I was ignoring them which made me feel like a horrible mommy and added even more guilt to my loaded plate.

So I’ve had to start letting some things go. I really can’t do it all, not even close. I finally broke down a couple of months ago to my husband that I really couldn’t juggle the bills and money, and begged him to take on that duty. I had to admit to him and to me that I needed help. And look! The world didn’t end, my marriage is actually a bit better, I’m not as crazed.

But there are other things, my stampers group that was going strong for a year kind of dissolved this winter. I have a few that are sticking with it, but I have decided to not keep pushing to build that group or extra paper craft classes and maybe crafting would get to be a fun thing again. I also wanted to start back into Taekwondo. I found an instructor in the area who actually teaches the traditional style that I learned. I was ready to commit myself yet again to something else. And I realized that a) the money would be tight (as always) and b) even though this would be fun, and good for me, it would be another drain on my limited time. This week I started my masters program in education. Something I’ve wanted to do and it was never the right time. So in order to do this, I had to tell myself no.

There’s been a few other fun opportunities that I’ve had to turn down too. I have also turned down fun girl nights with friends because I have to choose where to spend my time. And with all the things I have to do, I really do need to

And it’s hard to say no. Harder yet to tell yourself that no, you can’t do this.

But like my mom always tells me, “some times being the mom is not fair and is a really tough job. So build a bridge and get over it.”
Leave it to mom to clarify things!

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Worthiness, right now?

Do you ever have moments when you read something that just hits you right between the eyes? This morning while perusing my google reader, I came across this post by Brene Brown. It’s a pretty simple post, not very long-but so dead on.
I know I have lots of qualifiers for my personal worthiness.

I will be worthy when:
-I lose 50 lbs
-I get to x size
-I can keep my house clean constantly
-I can keep the laundry all done up
-I can teach my children to read, write, paint, tie their shoes, and just be_______
-I get organized
-I go back to work full time
-I get another degree
-I can translate the art in my head onto paper and canvas perfectly
-I can have an art show

But here’s what it boils down to:
“Worthy NOW! Not when. Not if. We are worthy of love and belonging NOW. Right this minute. As is.” (Brene Brown)
That would make a terrific motto, something to carry around in our pocket.
But wait, could it mean more than just a feel-good-about-yourself sort of thing? Yes. Lately I have been spending a lot of time praying and seeking God’s direction for my life. And one thing I have
been reminding myself is that being a Christian isn’t about being good enough or worthy enough. God wants us right where we are at. He didn’t send down his only Son to save the “good” ones, he
was sent for every one. Good, bad, ugly, pretty, and everything in between!
So I’m applying that statement above to my personal journey with God.

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That’s the name of the stamp set for this card.

Supplies
orchid opulence, so saffron, certainly celery,
eyelet border punch, swirly embossing plate
ribbon originals, vintage button

This past month has been a month of waiting and worrying. Went to my general dr. for a check up and asked her to look at my ear as it felt full of fluid. Sure enough it was, but there was
something else, a small bump or growth behind the ear drum. So I went on a horrible antibiotic, Avelox for 3 weeks, then had a ct scan and an appointment with an ENT surgeon.
I had my appointment yesterday with the ENT surgeon. There is no lump, bump or anything else in my right ear. The ct scan was clear too. I had a hearing test
today and my hearing is actually pretty good considering my history. My left ear that I had surgery on in high school, the hearing is down some due to the
prosthetic ear bone has come loose and has wedged itself into a different spot. The dr said I could either get a hearing aide for the left side, have surgery to fix the bone and
probably improve my hearing. Or I could leave it be since I’m hearing okay and it’s not causing any problems.

It’s nothing short of amazing that there is nothing in my ear and how well I’m hearing and that there is nothing in my ear that shouldn’t be!
I’m just full of praise right now, I feel that this was a test of my trust and of my big fear (my ears), that one big thing that I didn’t think I could face and I feel God has seen me through this!

Yet another reminder that God is really great, and will take care of all of our needs!

Have a great day, and keep hoping!

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