I have a hard time saying no. A hard time not taking on new projects-even the fun ones. I am really great at taking on way more than is humanly possible to accomplish, expecting myself to do it all, and being terribly hard on myself when I invariably fail. And I do fail. Maybe not in a complete mental break down sort of way, more like everything is done hummmm “half-assed”.
There I said it. I manage to screw up quite a few things in my daily life and then I feel like the world’s biggest failure. Which is stupid to feel when I set myself up to FAIL. And as I write this I have this stray thought that
maybe I set myself up to fail intentionally. Maybe my subconscious is thinking “you really are a loser, why should you succeed at anything, why even try?” To which I tell my self, stop that right now, that’s crazy. And then my self tells me that having this sort of conversation is crazy.
But really, what if I am afraid to succeed, what if I feel like I have some thought deep-down that I’m really not worthy? (I should add that succeed can be applied to things like taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, the husband, my part time jobs, trying to keep a small business going etc.) And meanwhile I’m a stay at home mommy to 4 year olds. Two sweet little kiddies who can only be occupied by themselves for a certain amount of time before they do something naughty. And I was ignoring them which made me feel like a horrible mommy and added even more guilt to my loaded plate.
So I’ve had to start letting some things go. I really can’t do it all, not even close. I finally broke down a couple of months ago to my husband that I really couldn’t juggle the bills and money, and begged him to take on that duty. I had to admit to him and to me that I needed help. And look! The world didn’t end, my marriage is actually a bit better, I’m not as crazed.
But there are other things, my stampers group that was going strong for a year kind of dissolved this winter. I have a few that are sticking with it, but I have decided to not keep pushing to build that group or extra paper craft classes and maybe crafting would get to be a fun thing again. I also wanted to start back into Taekwondo. I found an instructor in the area who actually teaches the traditional style that I learned. I was ready to commit myself yet again to something else. And I realized that a) the money would be tight (as always) and b) even though this would be fun, and good for me, it would be another drain on my limited time. This week I started my masters program in education. Something I’ve wanted to do and it was never the right time. So in order to do this, I had to tell myself no.
There’s been a few other fun opportunities that I’ve had to turn down too. I have also turned down fun girl nights with friends because I have to choose where to spend my time. And with all the things I have to do, I really do need to
And it’s hard to say no. Harder yet to tell yourself that no, you can’t do this.
But like my mom always tells me, “some times being the mom is not fair and is a really tough job. So build a bridge and get over it.”
Leave it to mom to clarify things!