Knowing when enough is enough

It’s been nearly a year since I’ve blogged. I made the crazy decision to continue with a second master’s degree last spring to become a principal. By the summertime I was really wishing I hadn’t continued on, but once I committed I felt had to finish. Started a new teaching job at a local high school. It was my first time back in the classroom full time in nearly 6 years. Sure, I had “taught” at an online school for the past two years. But being in the classroom is a whole ‘nother ball game!

This past fall has been stressful and my body really took a toll. Between teaching new classes (one being an AP course), completing my principal internship, taking classes, trying to be present to help my twins with their homework. I would sneak out to my garage studio and do some painting, feeling guilty I wasn’t being “productive”. I felt like I was a step away from a break down. Then in December I did the unthinkable: I applied for the doctoral program. January came and I as I was taking my last class for this current degree it hit me. I’m tired. I can’t go on. Add in a few health problems poked up, my kids were struggling with school, and I was struggling to keep everything going, keep all the balls in the air.

And I realized something had to give. So I withdrew my doctorate application, let go of a few responsibilities I had volunteered for, started to say no more, and put more focus on my family.

It has been an adjustment. At times it’s very freeing. And other times, I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing more. Part of it is my own baggage of not feeling good enough or not ever being enough. And honestly, I finally had a big talk with myself in my art journal and told myself to get over it.

As of May I will have two master’s degrees, a certification to be a principal, a challenging job that I love, a healthy-happy family, and it’s enough. I am enough.

Three years ago I bought this book by Brene Brown. “I thought it was just me” A book about imperfection and inadequacy. I have only been able to read one chapter. Because it hit too close to home. I’m starting it again. Maybe I can learn to be a little more understanding of myself.

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The camera in hand and truth

This summer has been a quick and crazy ride. I had some guilt that I hadn’t picked up my big nikon since June. I used to be really great at packing it everywhere and snapping photos like a paparazzi. But I had other things on my mind, and instead of packing my camera I was packing either my research, laptop, homework, or all three with me where ever we went. I took photos with my iphone and captured all the moments I could.
And I reminded myself of a saying LK Ludwig had on her blog and the title of a class: “the camera in hand” is better than nothing. So some of my pictures are grainy or less than perfect. It’s going to be okay. I know it will right?

Mama guilt is rough. I had it when I started grad school and when I started back to teaching last fall.
It’s hard to be everything to everyone and do it all and do it well. I know some who can juggle everything and look fabulous doing it.
Me, I’m so far from perfect I can’t even see what it looks like.

I’ve been trying to eat healthier and be a good role model for my kids, what I’ve done since starting graduate school is gain 39 lbs. (I really didn’t need to be gaining any more weight as it was.) But it’s happened and I’m trying to work on that in my “spare” time. The problem is that this needs to be something that’s a part of my life and I need to look at it as more than just “extra”. Because this weight gain at 37 really feels like it’s slowed me down which is a first. I’ve been heavy a while but I’ve been able to still be active and do what I wanted. Now, I feel f-a-t and i’m trying really hard not to use that word in front of my kids.

I watched a friend go through breast cancer this year and endure horrible chemo treatments this summer. She is a young, healthy mama to three boys. Really one of those full of life people. And this treatment really knocked her back. She’s done with her chemo now, her hair is growing, and her health is getting strong.
And I think, what would I do if something happened to me if I couldn’t be there for my kids? What if my health went? And honestly with as much as I weigh that is a real problem that I’ve ignored for too long. I’ve been lucky so far, but is it really fair to me or my family to play roulette with my health? To gamble that I’m not going to get hurt or have health problems?
Time to take the blinders off and really see what needs to be done.

(non-flattering photo of me with a see no evil monkey)

And yet, why is this so hard? I’ve completed my thesis which I thought was impossible. I’ve met several challenges in my life and I’ve been able to conquer them against the odds.
But food, is so much more than fuel. It’s love, it’s celebration, comfort, a crutch.

So, I’m laying this out here in blog land. I will stop being mean to myself for gaining weight when I know better.
I’m making my health as big as priority as everything else. I’m working on that revolutionary diet called eat less, move more. Tracking what I eat, making better choices, walking every day no matter what.
It’s not a huge step, but it’s a step towards a healthier me.

wish me luck, this could get rough…..

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coming soon… a new website

I finally broke down and bought my domain name. Years ago before blogs I had a website I built using front page and I taught myself html. It was for school for my students to get information, see a schedule, and get late work.
As I work on my thesis project, one of the tools I’m using is google sites, created a wiki as a project log/journal.
And then I realized I have like 3 or 4 blogs in different places! I have this blog, my mrs. hoadley blog, google site, and I had a family blog.

So I bought my domain and have set up the front page. emilyhoadley.com
Now I need to create the content and here’s where the problems start. I have a look I want to go for, I can picture how I want it to look. However: I’m cheap and refuse to pay for web design services, don’t get style sheets (css), and I can’t make rapid weaver do what I want.
My theme or byline is “artist, teacher, researcher”. This seems a little presumptive on my part, but it feels like the right way to describe what I do and who I am. But then I am also a wife and mother and wondered if I should add it or keep it to three things?

The next question is why am I bothering with all of this when 1) I have a million things to grade, 2) I am finishing up the school year, 3) was volunteered to created a slide show for graduation, 4) have 3 graduate classes starting up for the summer, 5) am training a dog, and 6) have a family I need to care for?

I think this will be an easier way to update and track all of my blogs. The other part is that my research blog is part of my research and will be an artifact for my final project.

I must be just a little insane…..

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My artist statement

go to this site and create your own 🙂

Emily Hoadley’s Artist Statement

Through my work I attempt to examine the phenomenon of Goofy as a methaphorical interpretation of both Geogia Okeefe and smiling.

What began as a personal journey of shitism has translated into images of chocolate and eyes that resonate with white people to question their own turquoiseness.

My mixed media her embody an idiosyncratic view of God, yet the familiar imagery allows for a connection between , kids and .

My work is in the private collection of Carlo Motoban who said ‘sweet!, that’s some real pretty Art.’

I am a recipient of a grant from Folsom Prison where I served time for stealing mugs and tie clips from the gift shop of The . I have exhibited in group shows at mcdonalds and , though not at the same time. I currently spend my time between my backyard and Berlin.

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re-organizing priorities

It’s happened. My big art/craft table has been cleaned off and is being put to a new use.
No more will there be piles of projects waiting to be finished, brushes sitting nearby to use.

Now, it’s a work table, a place for all of my computer stuff, room to work on papers and read text books.

This felt a bit like a loss, as if I was closing the door on one part of my life to focus on another part of my life. As I cleaned and packed up I realized a few things:
* I have a hoarding problem, I don’t need intervention yet, but it’s a problem
* I have enough water color paper and journals to paint for years
* I have so much stuff I can’t hardly function in this space
* I have to focus on my graduate studies and family and something’s gotta give
* I have to create, make things

So, I have kept out a small case of essential supplies handy

Not only is it cute and vintage, but it’s just the right size to pack anywhere.

Inside I have my current journal, half pan water colors, caran crayons, pens, adhesive, brushes and pencils.

Let’s see how this works……

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Personal Mission Statement

In one of my more randomly inspired moments a month ago, I created a mission statement on my youtube account. As I looked at the videos I like, it’s pretty random stuff that really is what my life is about. Videos on art journals, painting, Lady Gaga, Glee, statistics, biology, chemistry, geology, funny and more. I remember reading somewhere a few years ago about writing a personal mission statement as an artist. So here’s mine.

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Looking at mindfulness

With this post I announced my word of the year mindfulness.
My intent was to be present in the here and now, stop trying to multitask, eat mindfully, live mindfully.
And now, four months later I can see where I’ve done some of that but for the most part I’ve fallen off the wagon. Now normally this would the time for me to start belittling myself for failing so soon and just throw my hands up and quit.

Except, I’m also working on being a little nicer to myself and forgiving myself for being human. And I remind myself that I just need to take one thing at a time. All of the stuff going on in life will be there waiting.

So, as you’re reading this: stop, take a breathe and remember to slow down once in a while.

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Back from hiatus!

I’m back, actually never went anywhere.

The past two weeks I have been dealing with sick kids, being sick myself, trying to get my thesis proposal finished, and keep on top of my grading. This last week was spring break and for once we did nothing. We traveled no where. Just the kids and me, hanging out, going to the gym, saw Gnomeo and Juliet (now I want a few garden gnomes!), and just relaxing.
I should have done my school work and I should have done some grading. But I didn’t, it will still be there when Monday rolls around right?

We did go on a couple of hikes on the river, looking for birds and bugs. I’ll share those photos in another post.
Now, must gear up for work. ick.

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14 days of love

I am creating a little valentine for each day until Valentines Day.

This last year was the year that my husband and I were able to mend some of the broken fences in our relationship. Some of these were just the overwhelming reality of being married for 11 years and then BAM! we were the happy parents of new born twins! Don’t mistake me here: I am so incredibly blessed and I can get so emotional when I look at my nearly 5 year old babies and think that I really didn’t think we would ever have children.

But there is a price and as our babies consumed our lives, it became easier and easier to let the distance between us grow. Add in the fact that my husband was in severe pain because of hip, a hip that would give out from time to time which made it hard for him to carry a baby for any length of time. I wasn’t the nicest person about this, and I have felt horrible guilt about this. But I have learned to let go of this and forgive myself. I was trying to take care of everything in the and around the home, care for two babies, and not having a lot of help. After the babies turned two, he had a partial hip replacement and it was hard. It was another baby who needed more help.

Now, two years later we are getting back to really being in love and have talked about our struggles and forgiven each other. This reconciliation is such a blessing. We are different people than we were before we had kids and this is okay, as long as we still come back to center.
And I want to remind him daily how much I love him and what he means to me.

Here’s the first few days of valentines.

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Lessons Learned in Letting Go

This past year has been about letting go.

There are many, many things I have had to let go in order to realize my goals and be a happier, more content wife and mother.
Before this past year I made the choice to walk away from a few friends who were not good for me. It’s funny that being over 30 and mommy to young kids and I got sucked into a mean girl clique that we would want our daughters to stay away from. I, smart, mature, person that I am feel into the same traps many teen girls fall into. The same traps that I managed to avoid when I was younger.

A few years ago, my twins were just over a year old. I was home with them full time and most of my friends had been other teachers who had either moved out of state or were working. Everyone was busy and I retreated further inside my mommy role. The only problem? I liked people, I liked talking to other women, and I missed adult interaction. So I joined a women’s bible study at the church we sporadically attended. And eventually formed friendships with a few women close to my age, who had children a little older. I really thought I found what I was needing, a group of women who’d been in the trenches of mommy-hood, we could laugh and support each other. We’d have mommy nights out at one of their houses once or twice a week.

The reality? Mommy nights out were just an excuse to drink and eat a lot. They were also times to give poor dumb me “advice”. They knew it all, they’d been there and they reminded me often that I was a new mommy and really clueless. These nights would sometimes include some kind of home party where I could be talked into buying some dumb thing I didn’t need.

This went on for a little over a year. And then I started working part time and really felt that:
a) these women were not supportive of me mainly they’d criticize me, my husband and tell me all the things I was doing wrong
b) all I did was drink too much -which if you have as many alcoholics in your family as I do-that’s a bad habit
c) this “relationship” caused more problems between my husband and I who were already struggling as it was.

Breaking free of these women wasn’t the hard part. No, the hard part was letting go the guilt and shame I felt because I was so stupid and needy that I let myself be
influenced by them. Stupid and needy. Not very good self talk right? But I judge no one harsher than I judge myself. I also held on to a lot of resentment towards these women who I considered my friends, who I thought were my support group.

It’s been almost two years since I have spent time with these women and it wasn’t until this last fall when I started working full time that I was finally able to forgive. I have forgiven these women in my heart, but I will not ever trust them or spend time with them. Forgiving doesn’t mean I have to let myself be sucked back into that negative place again.
I have forgiven myself for being an open, honest person, who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am soft-hearted, and what I feel is right out there for you to see. I no longer consider this a
flaw that I need to apologize for.

And I forgive her.

You were an overwhelmed new momma of twins, trying to reach out and make friends, and thought you could trust those friends. You did some dumb things, and maybe you should have known better. But I love you and I forgive you.

Positive self image isn’t something that comes natural to me, negative self talk comes much too easily. I’m working on it. But in the meantime I look at what used to be my little chubby babies and see these two amazing, smart, funny, wonderful little people.

And everything else seems pretty pointless.

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